I wasn’t. I made sure of that.
A quiet list was writing itself.
***
Then, last spring, on a random Tuesday, Aaron got down on one knee in our kitchen.
There were no candles or big speeches. Just him, looking up at me with wet eyes.
“I’m sorry it took so long,” he whispered. “Marry me.”
I sobbed into his shoulder until my ribs hurt. I thought I’d hit the jackpot and that every excuse, delay, and “not yet” had been the price of something real.
“I’m sorry it took so long.”
***
We got married that fall in a tiny ceremony.
Megan was my maid of honor. Diane sat in the front row and dabbed her eyes like an actress.
Our first anniversary was last Friday.
I want you to remember that date because the night I thought was the happiest of my life became the night every story I’d ever told myself fell apart.
I want you to remember that date.
***
Aaron had been planning it for weeks, or so he said. Lit candles sat on the table; my favorite pasta simmered on the stove, and a bottle of red wine my husband claimed he’d been saving since the wedding waited nearby.
He kissed my forehead in the doorway when I arrived home from work.
“Get refreshed. I want tonight to be perfect.”
I floated through the hallway of our little apartment, smiling and in a haze of disbelief that this was actually my life.
Aaron had been planning it for weeks.
When I returned, all dressed up but still barefoot, Aaron glanced at his watch and stood up.
“I’m gonna change into a suit to match your stunning look,” he said. “You pour the wine. I want to do this properly.”
I laughed because he was being ridiculous.
Before pouring the wine, I decided to surprise him and sneak up to wrap my arms around his waist while he buttoned his shirt.
Then I heard his voice through the cracked bedroom door.
It wasn’t the voice he used with me. It was low and careful.
“I want to do this properly.”
“Yeah, man. I’ve been pulling the wool over her eyes since school. She has no idea. Tonight I’ll finally do what I planned,” I heard Aaron say.
My knees buckled against the wall.
I pressed a hand over my mouth so hard I tasted blood from my own lip.
Fifteen years rushed through my head all at once.
